A Revelation I Just Had...

....and I think it's been a long time coming. 


I know it's been a long time since I've written anything on here, but with school being out, friends leaving, and fighting some internal battles of my own, well...there's been a lot going on. 


A while ago, I wrote a blog about beauty, talking about the true definition of beauty and thinking that maybe I finally figured out why I had such a hard time accepting compliments from people concerning the way I look. Truth is, it was a short term fix, noting substantial enough to stick around. Even though I still believe everything in that blog is true, something just hit me so hard that I knew  needed to do a Beauty Part 2.


I probably need to explain where a lot of this is coming from. First of all, this summer I have been very concerned with getting into shape. I stepped on the scale at the beginning of the summer (girls...I know...it was dumb. I shouldn't have done it.) and I think I literally yelled, "EEK!". And all of a sudden I became very determined to lose weight. Not that I think I'm big or anything, but like most other girls, I'm way too concerned about what society considers "thin". I've been hitting the pavement...HARD, and eating rabbit food, trying to make my goal happen. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, just that I was doing it for all the wrong reasons.


Another thing: Lately, I've been getting many more compliments on the way I look. Boyfriends do that. :) But it's very, very hard for me to take compliments like that. And I'm afraid that I've started to frustrate/concern him because of my lack of self confidence. I don't expect guys to understand this, but any girl that reads this will understand exactly what I mean. It's difficult to accept a statement like "you look pretty" or "you're beautiful" when you don't believe it's true. And that's when anyone tells you, not just your boyfriend or a guy you like. 


To add onto that: I feel like a lot of the summer I've been stuck between a rock and a hard place. Fresh out of my first year of college, everything has changed. Half of my friends are gone, my boyfriend is going overseas for two months, and I don't have a job until July. Plus, this is just that stage in my life when I'm trying to figure everything out. It's a time of self-discovery and figuring out the kind of person you want to be. 


In a nutshell, it's beautiful and wonderful and messy and life-changing and crucial and absolutely freeing. And because of that, it's scary.


With all of that said, I think it's easier to see why this was such a big deal for me. I've been so frustrated and flustered all summer, the whole time feeling like I'm not good enough, and not appreciating what I know at least one person saw in me.


I've been talking to my boyfriend every afternoon/evening since he arrived in Poland and (to side track for just a second) wow! God is doing some amazing things there! And I know He's doing some amazing things in him at well. But what's astounding is I can already tell that this experience is affecting me, too. God's been working in my heart for a while to make this get to me the way it has, but as I said goodnight (it's 2AM over there) and ended the skype call to go wash my dishes, something hit me so hard I had to just...stop for a second.


And this is what hit me...It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside. People can judge you all day long on how attractive you are, but that doesn't define how beautiful you are. In God's eyes, you are beautiful. He created you to be just the way you are. By society, you may be considered ugly or unattractive, but as long as you're beautiful on the inside, the people that really know you and love you will see that beauty on the outside, too.


It's more than some definition. It's more than looking at the meaning of words, like I did in my last blog about this.


Ultimately, it comes down to have confidence in the Lord, that He made you to look just the way that you look. God thinks you're beautiful. I'm not saying I won't struggle with this. It's obviously a very weak point in my self esteem. I know there will be days I won't feel beautiful by any standards, but I think that if I can just remember this, it won't be nearly as bad. 


The people that matter know this truth. I know one person in my life sees it in me, and maybe I won't struggle so much to take those compliments. Maybe, I'll just say "thank you." :)

In the Passing of Moods

I think everyone will know what I'm talking about here. So, when you're talking to someone and they tell you they're in a weird/sad mood does anyone else usually take on that mood once they tell you why they feel that way? That happened to me today. I was texting someone and they expressed that they were in a weird mood. After attempting to cheer this person up, I realized that somewhere along the line, this strange mood had been passed along to me. And when I got to thinking about, I understood that this happens a lot to me. Not just with bad moods either, but with silly/quirky moods as well. I tend to fall into sync with whomever I'm with or talking to.


Well, this weird mood got me thinking about the topic in hand: consideration and caring. I was told today that I "care wonderfully". And sweet as this compliment was, it kind of scares me. Because I've also been told I care too much, and we all know that leads to trouble. It has with me before in many different circumstances. There's a typical pattern here that I've begun to notice and it goes something like this:


Me caring too much -> someone(s) not caring enough -> trouble -> hurt :(


This may come off way too sad or exaggerated or whatever, but girls, we all know what I'm talking about here. And as cliche as it might seem, it's true for most of us and it leads to a world of hurt that we can't seem to get away from...and I don't mean this just with boys. I know for me, when I truly care about somebody, ANYBODY, I really put my heart into it (hence the caring too much) when other people don't always seem to do the same. I was told today that the only reason I get hurt by people is because I expect them to. That may be completely true, but the only evidence I have to go on shows that most people will. Because that's what people do. We fail sometimes. We don't always care as much as we could or should. 


And in the passing of moods...this also occurred today. People fail. But God doesn't. And I think that's pretty awesome. 


Someone day said: "What is written on your heart will be what you think is true about yourself. And what is written on your heart will be what drives your life." I definitely think that's food for thought that kind of goes along with this. Something to ponder about. :)


Oh, and anyone at ASU. DON'T eat the carrots in the caf! Or make your friends eat them if you want a good laugh.

Fear

It's really kinda funny how this all came up. It's like a really strange/humorous event tonight caused me to piece together a lot of different factors in my life right now to the point where I think I'm starting to make sense of it. Earlier tonight, my friends and I celebrated our friend, Alesha's, birthday at Chick-fil-a. I love that place, seriously my favorite fast-food joint, but going inside has always been a bit of a problem for me because of a very irrational fear. The thing is, I'm afraid of mascots. Howl scares me half to death and I nearly peed my pants when the Chick-fil-a cow touched my shoulder tonight. I know it makes no sense, and it really doesn't have a strong foundation, but it's a phobia I've come to accept that I have. After the whole shoulder-touching incident and as my friends were making fun of me, I began to wonder why I was so afraid of him in the first place. And somehow, this small phobia made a lot of bigger fears click in my mind.


I'm at a stage in my life right now where everything is changing. And normally I don't really have a problem with change, but I'm starting to understand that this is a lot more change that what I bargained for. I feel as if my world has gotten jumbled up, and now I'm having to sort through it all to get things into place. And with that, many legitimate, deeply-rooted fears have become clear. 


The other night at church, Bro. Dan told us that we each have a passion or burden for something, and if we don't, we need to pray for God to give us one. I started thinking about what my burden really is, what I truly have a passion for, and it was very obvious: children. I have a burden for the next generation. I have a place in my heart for these kids. And with that in mind, I started to reexamine how I had my life set up, specifically looking at my major. And then I realized that this didn't add up. Yes, I love literature, I love English, but is that my burden? No, it's not. So why am I majoring in it? Well, because I truly do love it. This is where the fear comes in. I have absolutely no idea what I should do. I really thought I was confident in what I wanted to do with my life, and now I feel as if that surety has been shaken. And the fact that I don't know the direction of my life scares me.


Another thing I've noticed lately is my relationships with people. God calls us to guard our hearts, and rightfully so, but I'm now to the point that I think I may have too much of a wall up around mine. I'm so scared of not knowing, so scared of being hurt by people that I won't build a gate to let people in, at least not a big one. I don't want to be this way. And I like to think I'm getting better, but that unknown factor still makes me stumble.

With all of this said and processed, I think I've come to realize my biggest fear: the unknown. I'm afraid of not knowing the answers to everything. I'm afraid of not knowing the direction of my life. I'm afraid of not knowing how people feel, how I feel. I'm afraid of the state of limbo that my life seems to be in right now and will probably be in for a while. Overall, the unknown just scares me to death, more so than any mascot ever will. 


Mary Manin Morrissey once said: "You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith." I don't want this to happen. I don't want to let my fear grow so large than my faith is overshadowed and I lose a shot at having my dream. Because that is one thing I'm sure of: my dream. 


I know this is a bunch of rambling, and probably doesn't make much sense. But I felt the need to get it all down and also answer a question one of my friends asked me a week or so ago. So, friend, this is what I'm truly afraid of. 

Beauty

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."


How many times have we heard these old wise words? Now, how many of us really live by it? I was thinking about this the other day when I was assigned to look up the definition of beauty for my Theatre class. According to Merriam-Webster, this is what it is:


"The quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit." 


If we honestly went by this definition, that old saying would hold true. But the sad thing is that in our culture today that's definitely not the case. We have molded our opinion of beauty into something so superficial that I don't think a lot of us even notice true beauty anymore. Let's face it, when you ask a guy what he thinks is beautiful, most of them (at least in our society) probably have a similar image in their heads: long hair, pretty and symmetrical face and perfect body. If you ask a girl if she thinks she's beautiful, most will say no. Why? Because most of us don't fit the "model-esque", perfect skin, perfect hair, perfect everything idea. We have flaws...flaws that we tend to be very insecure about because we're so terrified guys expect us to be that perfect everything idea. 


The saddest part of this whole thing is that somewhere along the line, the good majority of us (especially high school and college students) have forgotten that true beauty is so much more than looks. Like the definition says, beauty is something or someone that gives pleasure not just to the senses, but to the mind and spirit. Do we ever really think about that? 


There's an even bigger problem behind this, though. And I'll use myself as an example, because let's face it: I'm just as guilty of this as the next person. In my recollection, there are only two moments that I've truly felt beautiful (both of them have been in college, by the way.) And both times it's been because someone else has told me that. How twisted is this? How I view my beauty should not depend on what someone else tells me, but how I see myself. And before I can believe that anyone else thinks that, I HAVE to think that about myself. Maybe that's why I haven't felt that way more than twice. 


To be able to do that, we all have to look past what's on the outside. We can talk all day long about how we aren't vain and see past the exterior, blah blah blah. But when it comes down to the wire, we really base too much of beauty on what we see, not what we search for in a person. If we went by the true definition of beauty, well, everyone would be beautiful. And I think that's much better than defining it as some leggy chick with a perfect body, yes?

Yesterday and today reminded me...

...that it's about the little things. Once again I'll start with a scenario: You're sitting on the couch with your roommate, suitemate, and one of your best guy friends. You've been sick as a dog for the past few days and it SHOWS. School starts tomorrow and everyone around you is doing a snow dance, but you, being the pessimist that you are, do not join. Around 10:30, lo and behold, snow starts to fall. And it's not just flurries; It's falling fast. All four of you run to get on warmer clothes and bust out of the dorm doors to go play in the courtyard with all the other crazy Honors College students. And suddenly, you understand that no matter how sick you may feel, no matter what new beginning is about to occur, it can't ruin perfect little moments like this.


That was my night. All I can remember is running at Nathan and creaming him with a snowball, dancing with Chloe, and laughing with Jonathon. For a few moments, I forgot that I was sick and felt like I was right back at Passion: perfectly content and at peace. I spun around like a child catching snowflakes on my tongue and slid on the slippery sidewalk. And today was full of just as much amusement and mischief. 


Watching my friends have an epic snowball fight and sled down crazy-big hills made me once again realize why I love them so much. It's because of their hearts; their wonderful, huge hearts that contain so much passion, love, exhilaration, and recklessness that I'm sometimes overwhelmed. Kind of like I was today. And it didn't just remind me about the friends I was with, but all of them. New, old, whatever. All of my friends have these amazing hearts that tend to rock my world. Whether it be helping me up a hill after sledding or offering to let me borrow their bike, their kindness and silliness makes my life better. Passion and days like yesterday and today help me remember that. 


This isn't meant to be a long post. Just a declaration of love for my friends: all of them. Because at the end of the day, it's the little things that y'all do, or that y'all are there for, that truly matter to me. Like loaning me a good book, taking care of me while I'm sick and imposing in your house, helping me carry my luggage while putting up with my incoherent self, and hugging me in the middle of the falling snow with a huge grin on your face. That's the good stuff. :)

I'll have an order of "this is exactly how I want my life to be", please?

Here's a scenario for you: You sit down to talk with a female friend of yours over coffee. You've been talking for a while and begin to get into a fairly engrossing female topic...weddings. Now, not only can this girl tell you where she wants to get married, but also her exact wedding dress, bridesmaid's dresses, wedding cake, flowers, ceremony order, food at the reception, song for the first dance, the song for the daddy-daughter dance, save-the-dates, but also what will be her something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. Now, here's a question: How long has this female friend of yours known this information? Well, if you're a girl like she is, you'll know precisely how long. It's for as long as you have known, which is first or second grade. 

To most guys, this sounds like absolute ludicrous. To most girls, however, it makes perfect sense. If you are a girl that does not have her entire wedding planned out, how many children you want to have, and what kind of house you eventually want to live in, you are disgracefully frowned upon. This is only natural. Women as a whole tend to live more in the future than men. We yearn for the day when these fairytale-esque experiences will finally come true. We long for the time when we get to wear out Pnina Tornai ball-gown while walking down the aisle of some gorgeous church behind our bridesmaids in "Tiffany"'s blue silk dresses. And as natural as this may seem to be, I'm worried about how healthy it is.

Don't get me wrong, I'm as guilty of it as the next girl. I remember at 7 years old having three or four hour long phone calls with my best friend Kelsey discussing all of these things. We still call each other when a new baby name comes along, or a detail changes in a wedding (I must say though, the last one is usually her, considering she is much closer to this possibility than I am). But I'm trying more than ever to live life one day at a time, because who knows if I'll get tomorrow? 

The other day I was told it was impossible for me to live life one day at a time. That there was no way for a girl to not care at all about the future, to not read into it. And you know what? That person is right. It is impossible, because we all, including guys, have to have some kind of goal or aspiration to keep us motivated. But there is a line. I think I finally found this line, or at least I'm teetering around it.

Work for the future, but don't forget about the present. Try to live as much as you can in the moment, but remember that what you're doing right now affects what happens to you in your future. It all connects. There's no way out of that. That doesn't mean I have to know my hors d'oeuvres menu for my (at the time) nonexistent wedding. This doesn't mean I need to know my exact square footage for my two story (plus basement) Victorian style home with a wrap around porch. It means I need to know that I want to love, and live, and be happy, and live my life to the fullest. Everything else should fall into place...Tiffany engagement ring and all. :)

By the way, I have a new Marry Me Playlist song. "She is Love" by Parachute. The acoustic version. Everyone should listen to it. :P

These are the moments.

Oh gosh, I don't even know where to begin. These past couple of days have been so ridiculously hectic that I think my brain is just now slowing to a stop from the spinning it's been doing. As a lot of my friends know, I've "homeless" for winter break, basically house-hopping and being extremely grateful for my amazing sister and group of friends that must love me a lot. With that added stress and all the events that have panned out within the last week, I have a lot to write about.

Something I've learned about myself: I have this complex, see, that makes me tend to blame everything on myself. Something wrong with me and a friend? I did something wrong. My mom is dragging her boyfriend in all hours of the night? I must have done something bad. An awesome plan gets cancelled? Twice? Well, I REALLY must have done something bad. I've done this for a while, but I've never really understood why. Today I think I figured it out.

It's easier for me to blame myself for these actions and responses because I can control myself. I have control over what I can and cannot do. And if it's someone else who is causing the problem, I really can't make it better. This entire week I've been having problems with someone, honestly thinking I had done something horrible to deserve how I was being treated. I was all but in tears when a friend of mine sent me this:

"Well, sometimes you just gotta realize that his faults are not your fault. I mean, what he's doing is wrong, but it's HIM that's doing things wrong, not you. I mean, this is something that he's been doing for a while. It's a big problem, but not your fault. What could you have possibly done? You've done everything right, he's made the wrong moves."

For the first time in a long time, I kind of saw this truth. I mean, there are things I do that merit people to be mad at me. I know I'm going to screw up, but this has not been my fault. And I can't try to take on everything on my own. It's exhausting, and impossible, and quite frankly, I'm tired.

My friend leaves for England sometime soon. I don't know what day; He won't tell me. And I've just now come to terms that I'm not going to get to see him before he leaves. He'll be gone for six months and even after that he's going to continue to travel. This person has played such a huge part in my life in so many different ways over the past few years that not being able to say my goodbye is like having the breath knocked out of me. It chokes me to think about it. Already this has been a week on a roller coaster, now this just makes me want to crawl into a hole for a few days until it's all blown over. I wish life was like that sometimes. 

These are the moments that I thank God for the people that have stayed strong in my life. These are the moments I wish I could go back and change some things, but know it's not possible. These are the times I long for a steady hand, and find one in Christ only Him. Because I'm right, it's impossible to do this alone.