Fear

It's really kinda funny how this all came up. It's like a really strange/humorous event tonight caused me to piece together a lot of different factors in my life right now to the point where I think I'm starting to make sense of it. Earlier tonight, my friends and I celebrated our friend, Alesha's, birthday at Chick-fil-a. I love that place, seriously my favorite fast-food joint, but going inside has always been a bit of a problem for me because of a very irrational fear. The thing is, I'm afraid of mascots. Howl scares me half to death and I nearly peed my pants when the Chick-fil-a cow touched my shoulder tonight. I know it makes no sense, and it really doesn't have a strong foundation, but it's a phobia I've come to accept that I have. After the whole shoulder-touching incident and as my friends were making fun of me, I began to wonder why I was so afraid of him in the first place. And somehow, this small phobia made a lot of bigger fears click in my mind.


I'm at a stage in my life right now where everything is changing. And normally I don't really have a problem with change, but I'm starting to understand that this is a lot more change that what I bargained for. I feel as if my world has gotten jumbled up, and now I'm having to sort through it all to get things into place. And with that, many legitimate, deeply-rooted fears have become clear. 


The other night at church, Bro. Dan told us that we each have a passion or burden for something, and if we don't, we need to pray for God to give us one. I started thinking about what my burden really is, what I truly have a passion for, and it was very obvious: children. I have a burden for the next generation. I have a place in my heart for these kids. And with that in mind, I started to reexamine how I had my life set up, specifically looking at my major. And then I realized that this didn't add up. Yes, I love literature, I love English, but is that my burden? No, it's not. So why am I majoring in it? Well, because I truly do love it. This is where the fear comes in. I have absolutely no idea what I should do. I really thought I was confident in what I wanted to do with my life, and now I feel as if that surety has been shaken. And the fact that I don't know the direction of my life scares me.


Another thing I've noticed lately is my relationships with people. God calls us to guard our hearts, and rightfully so, but I'm now to the point that I think I may have too much of a wall up around mine. I'm so scared of not knowing, so scared of being hurt by people that I won't build a gate to let people in, at least not a big one. I don't want to be this way. And I like to think I'm getting better, but that unknown factor still makes me stumble.

With all of this said and processed, I think I've come to realize my biggest fear: the unknown. I'm afraid of not knowing the answers to everything. I'm afraid of not knowing the direction of my life. I'm afraid of not knowing how people feel, how I feel. I'm afraid of the state of limbo that my life seems to be in right now and will probably be in for a while. Overall, the unknown just scares me to death, more so than any mascot ever will. 


Mary Manin Morrissey once said: "You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith." I don't want this to happen. I don't want to let my fear grow so large than my faith is overshadowed and I lose a shot at having my dream. Because that is one thing I'm sure of: my dream. 


I know this is a bunch of rambling, and probably doesn't make much sense. But I felt the need to get it all down and also answer a question one of my friends asked me a week or so ago. So, friend, this is what I'm truly afraid of.