A Revelation I Just Had...

....and I think it's been a long time coming. 


I know it's been a long time since I've written anything on here, but with school being out, friends leaving, and fighting some internal battles of my own, well...there's been a lot going on. 


A while ago, I wrote a blog about beauty, talking about the true definition of beauty and thinking that maybe I finally figured out why I had such a hard time accepting compliments from people concerning the way I look. Truth is, it was a short term fix, noting substantial enough to stick around. Even though I still believe everything in that blog is true, something just hit me so hard that I knew  needed to do a Beauty Part 2.


I probably need to explain where a lot of this is coming from. First of all, this summer I have been very concerned with getting into shape. I stepped on the scale at the beginning of the summer (girls...I know...it was dumb. I shouldn't have done it.) and I think I literally yelled, "EEK!". And all of a sudden I became very determined to lose weight. Not that I think I'm big or anything, but like most other girls, I'm way too concerned about what society considers "thin". I've been hitting the pavement...HARD, and eating rabbit food, trying to make my goal happen. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, just that I was doing it for all the wrong reasons.


Another thing: Lately, I've been getting many more compliments on the way I look. Boyfriends do that. :) But it's very, very hard for me to take compliments like that. And I'm afraid that I've started to frustrate/concern him because of my lack of self confidence. I don't expect guys to understand this, but any girl that reads this will understand exactly what I mean. It's difficult to accept a statement like "you look pretty" or "you're beautiful" when you don't believe it's true. And that's when anyone tells you, not just your boyfriend or a guy you like. 


To add onto that: I feel like a lot of the summer I've been stuck between a rock and a hard place. Fresh out of my first year of college, everything has changed. Half of my friends are gone, my boyfriend is going overseas for two months, and I don't have a job until July. Plus, this is just that stage in my life when I'm trying to figure everything out. It's a time of self-discovery and figuring out the kind of person you want to be. 


In a nutshell, it's beautiful and wonderful and messy and life-changing and crucial and absolutely freeing. And because of that, it's scary.


With all of that said, I think it's easier to see why this was such a big deal for me. I've been so frustrated and flustered all summer, the whole time feeling like I'm not good enough, and not appreciating what I know at least one person saw in me.


I've been talking to my boyfriend every afternoon/evening since he arrived in Poland and (to side track for just a second) wow! God is doing some amazing things there! And I know He's doing some amazing things in him at well. But what's astounding is I can already tell that this experience is affecting me, too. God's been working in my heart for a while to make this get to me the way it has, but as I said goodnight (it's 2AM over there) and ended the skype call to go wash my dishes, something hit me so hard I had to just...stop for a second.


And this is what hit me...It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside. People can judge you all day long on how attractive you are, but that doesn't define how beautiful you are. In God's eyes, you are beautiful. He created you to be just the way you are. By society, you may be considered ugly or unattractive, but as long as you're beautiful on the inside, the people that really know you and love you will see that beauty on the outside, too.


It's more than some definition. It's more than looking at the meaning of words, like I did in my last blog about this.


Ultimately, it comes down to have confidence in the Lord, that He made you to look just the way that you look. God thinks you're beautiful. I'm not saying I won't struggle with this. It's obviously a very weak point in my self esteem. I know there will be days I won't feel beautiful by any standards, but I think that if I can just remember this, it won't be nearly as bad. 


The people that matter know this truth. I know one person in my life sees it in me, and maybe I won't struggle so much to take those compliments. Maybe, I'll just say "thank you." :)