In the Passing of Moods

I think everyone will know what I'm talking about here. So, when you're talking to someone and they tell you they're in a weird/sad mood does anyone else usually take on that mood once they tell you why they feel that way? That happened to me today. I was texting someone and they expressed that they were in a weird mood. After attempting to cheer this person up, I realized that somewhere along the line, this strange mood had been passed along to me. And when I got to thinking about, I understood that this happens a lot to me. Not just with bad moods either, but with silly/quirky moods as well. I tend to fall into sync with whomever I'm with or talking to.


Well, this weird mood got me thinking about the topic in hand: consideration and caring. I was told today that I "care wonderfully". And sweet as this compliment was, it kind of scares me. Because I've also been told I care too much, and we all know that leads to trouble. It has with me before in many different circumstances. There's a typical pattern here that I've begun to notice and it goes something like this:


Me caring too much -> someone(s) not caring enough -> trouble -> hurt :(


This may come off way too sad or exaggerated or whatever, but girls, we all know what I'm talking about here. And as cliche as it might seem, it's true for most of us and it leads to a world of hurt that we can't seem to get away from...and I don't mean this just with boys. I know for me, when I truly care about somebody, ANYBODY, I really put my heart into it (hence the caring too much) when other people don't always seem to do the same. I was told today that the only reason I get hurt by people is because I expect them to. That may be completely true, but the only evidence I have to go on shows that most people will. Because that's what people do. We fail sometimes. We don't always care as much as we could or should. 


And in the passing of moods...this also occurred today. People fail. But God doesn't. And I think that's pretty awesome. 


Someone day said: "What is written on your heart will be what you think is true about yourself. And what is written on your heart will be what drives your life." I definitely think that's food for thought that kind of goes along with this. Something to ponder about. :)


Oh, and anyone at ASU. DON'T eat the carrots in the caf! Or make your friends eat them if you want a good laugh.

Fear

It's really kinda funny how this all came up. It's like a really strange/humorous event tonight caused me to piece together a lot of different factors in my life right now to the point where I think I'm starting to make sense of it. Earlier tonight, my friends and I celebrated our friend, Alesha's, birthday at Chick-fil-a. I love that place, seriously my favorite fast-food joint, but going inside has always been a bit of a problem for me because of a very irrational fear. The thing is, I'm afraid of mascots. Howl scares me half to death and I nearly peed my pants when the Chick-fil-a cow touched my shoulder tonight. I know it makes no sense, and it really doesn't have a strong foundation, but it's a phobia I've come to accept that I have. After the whole shoulder-touching incident and as my friends were making fun of me, I began to wonder why I was so afraid of him in the first place. And somehow, this small phobia made a lot of bigger fears click in my mind.


I'm at a stage in my life right now where everything is changing. And normally I don't really have a problem with change, but I'm starting to understand that this is a lot more change that what I bargained for. I feel as if my world has gotten jumbled up, and now I'm having to sort through it all to get things into place. And with that, many legitimate, deeply-rooted fears have become clear. 


The other night at church, Bro. Dan told us that we each have a passion or burden for something, and if we don't, we need to pray for God to give us one. I started thinking about what my burden really is, what I truly have a passion for, and it was very obvious: children. I have a burden for the next generation. I have a place in my heart for these kids. And with that in mind, I started to reexamine how I had my life set up, specifically looking at my major. And then I realized that this didn't add up. Yes, I love literature, I love English, but is that my burden? No, it's not. So why am I majoring in it? Well, because I truly do love it. This is where the fear comes in. I have absolutely no idea what I should do. I really thought I was confident in what I wanted to do with my life, and now I feel as if that surety has been shaken. And the fact that I don't know the direction of my life scares me.


Another thing I've noticed lately is my relationships with people. God calls us to guard our hearts, and rightfully so, but I'm now to the point that I think I may have too much of a wall up around mine. I'm so scared of not knowing, so scared of being hurt by people that I won't build a gate to let people in, at least not a big one. I don't want to be this way. And I like to think I'm getting better, but that unknown factor still makes me stumble.

With all of this said and processed, I think I've come to realize my biggest fear: the unknown. I'm afraid of not knowing the answers to everything. I'm afraid of not knowing the direction of my life. I'm afraid of not knowing how people feel, how I feel. I'm afraid of the state of limbo that my life seems to be in right now and will probably be in for a while. Overall, the unknown just scares me to death, more so than any mascot ever will. 


Mary Manin Morrissey once said: "You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith." I don't want this to happen. I don't want to let my fear grow so large than my faith is overshadowed and I lose a shot at having my dream. Because that is one thing I'm sure of: my dream. 


I know this is a bunch of rambling, and probably doesn't make much sense. But I felt the need to get it all down and also answer a question one of my friends asked me a week or so ago. So, friend, this is what I'm truly afraid of.