These are the moments.

Oh gosh, I don't even know where to begin. These past couple of days have been so ridiculously hectic that I think my brain is just now slowing to a stop from the spinning it's been doing. As a lot of my friends know, I've "homeless" for winter break, basically house-hopping and being extremely grateful for my amazing sister and group of friends that must love me a lot. With that added stress and all the events that have panned out within the last week, I have a lot to write about.

Something I've learned about myself: I have this complex, see, that makes me tend to blame everything on myself. Something wrong with me and a friend? I did something wrong. My mom is dragging her boyfriend in all hours of the night? I must have done something bad. An awesome plan gets cancelled? Twice? Well, I REALLY must have done something bad. I've done this for a while, but I've never really understood why. Today I think I figured it out.

It's easier for me to blame myself for these actions and responses because I can control myself. I have control over what I can and cannot do. And if it's someone else who is causing the problem, I really can't make it better. This entire week I've been having problems with someone, honestly thinking I had done something horrible to deserve how I was being treated. I was all but in tears when a friend of mine sent me this:

"Well, sometimes you just gotta realize that his faults are not your fault. I mean, what he's doing is wrong, but it's HIM that's doing things wrong, not you. I mean, this is something that he's been doing for a while. It's a big problem, but not your fault. What could you have possibly done? You've done everything right, he's made the wrong moves."

For the first time in a long time, I kind of saw this truth. I mean, there are things I do that merit people to be mad at me. I know I'm going to screw up, but this has not been my fault. And I can't try to take on everything on my own. It's exhausting, and impossible, and quite frankly, I'm tired.

My friend leaves for England sometime soon. I don't know what day; He won't tell me. And I've just now come to terms that I'm not going to get to see him before he leaves. He'll be gone for six months and even after that he's going to continue to travel. This person has played such a huge part in my life in so many different ways over the past few years that not being able to say my goodbye is like having the breath knocked out of me. It chokes me to think about it. Already this has been a week on a roller coaster, now this just makes me want to crawl into a hole for a few days until it's all blown over. I wish life was like that sometimes. 

These are the moments that I thank God for the people that have stayed strong in my life. These are the moments I wish I could go back and change some things, but know it's not possible. These are the times I long for a steady hand, and find one in Christ only Him. Because I'm right, it's impossible to do this alone.